I'm so annoyed. I just want to hurt someone. Hurt someone real bad. Like bad.

 My roommate is so annoying. and she's my best friend. we're in high school and we just moved to a new state. she moved with us to get college residency. we're seniors and we live with my mom.

 Everything was great at first. It was hard to leave friends and definately hard on her when leaving her family. I understood. I stood by her. Comforted her. Now it's been about 4 months. The home sickness is really getting to her. She cries everyday. I see it in her eyes. She pretends like I don't notice. She hasn't made any friends.

 I made a lot of good friends already and invite her to come out but she's so quiet and I feel like I'm torturing her or something. I smoke pot. She doesn't. She never really cared that I did when we weren't living together but now it seems like it really annoys her. I just go out with friends and smoke some pot. Sorry. Geez. It's not like I didn't do it before. Sorry I don't invite you. You won't have fun. You never do it seems. Never. Nothing's ever fricken good enough. I don't want you to come and watch me get fucking blazed out of my mind and have you sit there and watch me.

You said that you hated where we were so much but it seems like you hate being away more. We need time apart. Why is it so hard for you to make friends? We're going to drive eachother mad if it keeps going like this. 

I adjust quickly. This is what you don't understand. I may be changing. and you're not. I'm sorry about that. But I can't keep babying you forever. What ever happened to you being independent? Not need mom or dad's money? You said you would make it on your own. Now look. Your mom sends you money every month. 

You can't drive so I have to drive you everywhere. That's fine. No big deal. You're learning now and soon you'll have your license and freedom from me. Its not my fricking fault that you don't know how to drive. It's not my fault you didn't listen to me when I told you that you should learn before we left.

You're so impatient. You want everything to happen now now now now. I'm sorry I can't do all of that for you. Instead, it almost like it's my fault when I can't stand being around you being depressed and worried.....i have to make new friends. I feel like you're holding me down. So down that I'll never go anywhere. If you could just let go. Relax a bit. I know it's hard. I really do. But being sad everyday is pushing people further away from you. You need to get out and make some friends.

I know I'm you're friend but I'm not your mother. I feel so bad for taking you here. It's like I took you to hell or something. And it's all my fault. Always.Then I have to cheer you up. But you're still sad. Always sad. I might just give up one day. Then you'll see what you had. By then, it'll be gone. And I'm not very forgiving.

 So  I'm back again yeehee. I'm really trying to lose weight right now. My goal right now is to lose 3 lbs a week by eating 1000 calories or less. But just in case, I'm aiming for less than 800. I'm also working out every single fricken day no matter what. Big problem: going to Texas and visiting family. Damn, there is no way I'm giving in. I know this is mean but my sister is really big and I'll use looking at her big butt as reverse thinspiration. There is no way I'll be like her!!

 Things have been crazy stressful lately and it feels soooo good to restrict again. I love that hungry feeling in my belly. It's been awhile. I can really tell how fat I've become because I used to eat 500 calories or less a day and it wasn't even that big of a deal. It seemed plenty. But I've been eating so much in the past few months that my stomach is not used to being empty. I must tame it and overcome it. Not like I have anything else in my life worth doing....

Today...

Oatmeal - 150, soymilk - 60, creamer - 40, lean cuisine - 240, small plain scone - 180, pasta - 300, slice bread - 80

Minus 300 cal work-out

Total - 750

 Pretty okay for today. I ate a lot more than I thought I did. Tomorrow I'm not going to 1st period so I'm going to go work-out 30 mins. I have cooking class tomorrow so god help me. It's also Halloween so trick-or-treating fatness here I come! NOT! I'm going to eat as little as possible tomorrow. Hopefully, I can squeeze in a work-out after I drop my friend off at her job and before I have to pick her up and get ready to go out. Damn. I'm a fat ass. I'm also gonna get my measurements and weight tomorrow morning when I work out and see how I compare to measurements from 3 months ago. I expect to be surprised.... and not in a good way.